"Anything started in deceit wont last. It has a way of crumbling. You see, it never started with the truth...it was corrupted from the beginning and the cracks will spider out." unknown.
Eric told me once that the way to write a book is to have a story. Although reading something that seems like your breaking the lock to a diary is interesting enough; it seems kind of creepy. So there inevitably needs to be a story. Something that the book surrounds itself in. It needs to have a plot or a reason, if you will. Well, it seems that being scorned is reason enough. Getting even and feeling better and surviving-all seem to be reasons enough. But that isn't enough. It seems bitter and angry however writing a collective piece involving female friends, family members, mentors, and acquaintances of all ages and their advice on how to survive, live, love and just be...does. Granted it was based on getting some sort of revenge on an ex lover, it grew into something bigger. It won't just include stories but it will include all sorts of things that all women could benefit from. The book will happen, I'm sure and I hope that if you are interested you will take part.
CHAPTER ONE: For all intents and purposes...What does it mean to survive the ending of a partnership?
Overall, surviving is subjective. It depends on the situation but for this portion we will talk about surviving an ending. Lovers, family, friendship...saying goodbye, walking away and healing. What does it take? Who can come out unscathed? Who can live walking with their head held high and who can live with their head slightly titled? My story goes like this....
Surviving means trying as best as possible to be stoic. Stay calm...stay collected...remain classy. It doesn't always work but it's a work in progress and a lesson that I am continually learning. So I am okay with the occasionally outburst. It's hard to be stoic all the time and It's just me standing up for myself and my beliefs. I guess having my intuition questioned constantly did it in for me. Not because I was wrong but because I was right. It was just too much for me. Once again, if the truth would have come out the right way, this would be a completely different story. What kills me is the whole time I was making claims-they were pushed away. It's funny that when women recognize a switch in someone's behavior (especially a lover,) they are made to feel neurotic, insecure, jealous, and paranoid. It's not that they are any of these instead, more often than not, the woman is just a lot smarter than that lover expected her to be. She knows his habits and she can tell when he is lying. Most times, the woman just sticks it out to see if he'll ever come clean. Sometimes men do come clean but sometimes they don't and the woman is left to feel like a crazy person. Luckily for my situation, we were just lovers and nothing connects us anymore. We have no children or a love that binds us. We may have mutual friends but that's about it and that's a good thing.
Another key to surviving....find anything and everything that isn't constantly testing you. Life is full of tests and when it comes to people or things....they should never be that hard or difficult to maintain.
Learn to walk away.
You may find yourself in constant limbo with this at first because you find yourself constantly confronted with what is testing you but you have to understand that soon enough that test will fade into the background like ugly wall paper. So for now, learn how to avoid or get really good at perfecting your ninja like skills. This may mean quiet nights with girlfriends, cuddling on the couch by yourself, or simply just throwing your computer and phone in a safe place. You and your mind need a staycation.
While you're doing your "staycation," talk everything out with both biased and unbiased people. Surviving isn't just about being okay or right...it's about healing and staying healed. You need people who can see the other side as well as your own but in the end, you have to believe in yourself the most. You also need to reflect on everything-the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. This will be brutal at some points but your past is your guide to: living, loving, surviving and everything in between so make it count and be proud of it. Everyone has a past and we have all made mistakes-some we can't take back no matter how hard we try. That's okay. Once again, learn to walk away. It may not always pan out the way you had planned but as Mick Jagger wails, "You may not always get what you want but get what you need." For every wrong choice or mistake leads a road to something greater. In my experience, this holds very true. I could go into details to why I am adamant about this but I don't want to. I gave my ex lover enough of my attention. He knows his actions have hurt me and he has to live with that; not me. Since we separated, this drive in me has exploded with great force. Granted, it was there the whole time but it was pounded into the ground so deeply that it took years to climb out of the muck. Getting out of the muck only reinforces never getting trapped again. This year has been beautiful to me...the years used to be bad, ugly and good but this one was beautiful and once I climbed out of the muck, the light I had been searching for had been inside of me the whole time.
The most important thing in surviving...truth lies within yourself. You can and will do anything that you put your heart and soul into. People, tests, things...they will all try to beat you down, they will try to break your spirit, and they will make you question and doubt everything. They will succeed with this, if you let them. Stay true to yourself and everything else will follow suit. Also, hold onto your dreams and walk an honest path. If you do this, surviving becomes more simple and not so draining. Use your experiences as your guide and I promise you will survive and be a better person in the end.
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