I'm Defying Gravity Just Like Elphaba Said I Would

"Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, “She doesn’t have what it takes. They will say, Women don’t have what it takes.”  
 Clare Boothe Luce

In September of 2013, I was given a lifetime opportunity. I was told I was going to New York to work a Canon art show hosted by Norman Reedus. I love Norman Reedus and truth be told, he has been a driving force behind getting all my creative energy out. Well, he and the person who told me I might have to accept that I won't get everything I want out of life. I guess watching him (Norman Reedus) succeed was enough to just say, "F it! If he started from nothing then so can I."

Here he was doing all these things: making films, acting, making art, publishing a book...he was doing all that and he was happy about it. Yes, I get he's famous but so what? I'm not trying to be famous just happy and comfortable. That means NOT giving up on my dreams or passions. Besides, I take it to heart when Norman says go after what you want. He also said just do it with a thick skin. Up until late 2012, my skin wasn't thick at all and I wasn't prepared to fight for everything I wanted out of life. Thankfully, the fight in me knew better.

The day I got into New York, I felt like a small fish in a giant pond. However, I wasn't scared or nervous. I knew I could do it. I knew I could work this event and do a great job. I had been planning and working events in some shape or form for a while now so I wasn't fearful that I would mess that up....I mean, I was too excited to be nervous or scared. That first night in NYC, I ate dinner by myself and I saw Wicked on Broadway by myself and I didn't care. I settled myself right into this new situation. Right before intermission, the characters Glenda and Elphaba starting singing a song about defying limits, walking your own way, and following your instincts. This song led me to buy a $65 hoodie. I sport that hoodie like it's bling money! I justify this purchase by the tears rolling down my cheeks at this scene. Here was a woman-telling the world basically that she was going after what she wanted and no one was stopping her any longer.

If you like musicals or witches or the Wizard of Oz or you just want to be inspired-see this play or at least listen to this song. I get it...it's a musical but behind all that are words is a warrior and the tale of someone who no longer wants to roll over and play dead.  

In the end, the event was a success...I met Norman Reedus but never said anything to him. We took a picture together and I fell silent. Oh, how I wish I could have just said, "Hey! Thanks...just thanks." Maybe he would have understood but then again it didn't matter anymore because I had just found myself crossing off things I said I would always do one day.

What we did-the group of women and I-was inspiring. We turned a blank room into an art gallery, we took people on a tour of their senses and we inspired future generations of photographers to get out their cameras and snap away....and I fell in love with a part of myself. One that I kinda was half in and half out about-the part that could defy gravity, regardless of how hard or impossible it was to anyone else. 

I guess at the end of the day, we can all be our own worst critics, we all think we need to be somewhere else, doing something else because what we are doing isn't good enough...but the thing is, good enough is all relative. Sure, life is much better when you're financially secure but getting there is what it's all about. Without all the adventures, the trials and the errors, the challenges, and the misdirected paths-you never really appreciate, "What you worked and waited for." 

Your life is filled with stories....it's filled with people that you meet, experiences that you have and choices that you make-they all may not end in a stellar fashion or be the most glorious of experiences but by the time you reach point B, you realize that point A and all its glory, was exactly the kind of beautiful disaster you needed in order to reach your full potential.

Christine:

I was born in South America, Punta Arenas, Chile to be exact, to a beautiful Chilean mother and a mellow Brooklyn, New York native who had just joined the US Navy and was on tour when meeting my mother and quickly marrying.  My mother grew up in a lower-middle class family having both h parents.  My father was also born into a lower-middle class home. He lived with his single Puerto Rican mother who worked very hard as a administrative secretary in NYC for GE.  His German/English father (my grandfather) had passed away when my father was a little boy leaving behind his wife and three boys.

I was born in a time when Chile was under a communist government.  I remember my mother telling me how she had to stand in long lines in the knee high freezing snow to pay for my formula.  I remember when the communist government was overthrown in 1973.  The entire country was under alert and also under war.  I remember my grandparents turning off all the lights in the house and all I could hear was bombing in the far distant while cowering down in the hallway .  In my young 3yr old mind, I couldn't comprehend what was really going on other than a feel of safety.....Safe with my grandparents and mother.

My mother and father have three daughters.  I am the oldest.  Since my father was in the US Navy, he spent most of my early (5) years in the United States.  He would occasionally come visit but I don't remember much of his visits.  When I was about 5, my father decided he wanted his family to be with him.  This was so hard for my mother, but she knew this was going to happen eventually.  We all shed our tears, leaving behind my grandparents, who I adored with all my heart, and my other relatives.  In Chile, families are always together and always gathered around the kitchen table.  I do have sweet and fond memories of my first 5 years. 

I moved to Puerto Rico since my father's mother had remarried a Puerto Rican man and most of her family was there.  My father wanted to introduce his "new" family to his Puerto Rican relatives.

After living in Puerto Rico for about 9 months, my mother had enough and we packed our bags and moved back to Chile.  I remember staying there for a year or so.  I then remember packing our bags again to board a plane that was headed to this New Land-America-where the dreams of swimming pools, movie stars, and richness would await....ha ha!  I think my father had told my mother that she could have whatever she wanted if she would move to America with him.  Our first home was smack dab in the middle of a small city in Iowa.  When we landed, my father was nowhere to be found. 

My mother in her broken English managed to call for a taxi.  This taxi took us to our "home" with a pool.  We ended up in a trailer park with a community pool.  It's funny because my mother had never seen mobile homes, so she was very, very confused as to what type of "structure" this was.  My mother's house in Chile was small, had the standard tin roof, and wood structure (a regular house).  Her house was over 100 years old.  I guess it would be considered a historic home here in the states.  I think my mom was expecting to see a mansion type home that she had seen on TV and magazines to show how the "Americans" truly live.  Yeah...her dream home was not what it was all out to be.  Oh and I know this is sort of off topic but we were amazed to see how many blonde children there were.  It seemed like everyone we met had white-blonde hair.  Also we had never seen an African-American before.  I remember coming up to a little boy in the airport and feeling his spongy hair. I know....totally off topic....but that's where I came from.  Yes...we had blondes in chile though they were few. 

We did end up at our new home and waited, waited, and waited for my father to get home.  He did come home eventually that night after he got off work. Apparently, he had forgotten our plane arrived that day.  Oh boy, was my mom angry!  Anyway, I met some neighborhood kids which I could barely understand since my native tongue was Spanish.

Not to bore you with my whole life story. Just certain parts stick out and well, they helped form my identity. I personally remember always being happy other than when kids from school would tease me.  They called me names and told me to, "Get in my taco and float back to where I came from."  It's funny because I had never eaten a taco until I came to the states!!!  I had no clue about what other Hispanics ate.  It was all new to me.  I knew what Chileans and Puerto Ricans ate but that's it.  Kids were so mean to my sister and I.

As we journey through the years, I lived in a few more states since my dad was in the military.  I lived in Illinois, and Philadelphia, with a few short visits back to my native country, Chile. Being a teenager with her own issues, I came to realize that my "perfect" family wasn't so perfect. I then shut down and pretty much stayed in my room and would dream of being in another family.  We were well off financially, especially after my German great-grandmother left my dad some of her inheritance.  So I had some luxuries but there was always that desire to belong.  Yes...I was loved but I had so many insecurities and lack of self confidence.  I struggled with my weight and had some eating disorders.  I hated who I was. I wanted to be someone other than who I currently was.  I also had dreams of becoming great one day.

The lack of confidence and feeling ugly led me to become somewhat of a promiscuous young woman.  I thought that if I gave "myself" then those young men would love me.  I found that to be untrue after suffering broken heart after broken heart. I met my husband in 1993. I had his baby and then got married to him.  Yeah....I kinda did it a bit backwards. ha ha!  He, however; was different than the other guys I had dated in the past. So I didn't mind the unconventional manner of our love affair. He truly cared and loved me for who I was.  He loved me with my insecurities and other issues.  I had set up many walls guarding my heart because I refused to be broken again, so it took a bit of time to truly let him love me. Ultimately those walls did come down.  I think he was definitely God sent.  My husband and I have been married for 20 years. 

During my college years, I could never figure out what I wanted to "major" in thus, going from major to major to major.  I finally graduated from UF in 1997-at the same time as being pregnant with my 2nd child.  I decided that the best thing for me at the time was to become a stay at home mom.  I personally felt a "calling" to be home and care for my children. During those 16 years, we had 7 more children-homeschooling them all and sacrificing material wants to be able to stay home.  Yes....it has been a sacrifice for sure!!  Our income wasn't anything to shout about, especially when you have 10 mouths to feed!

You better believe it though.....I wanted the nicer clothes, cars, house, furniture, hair salon visits, etc.... but I knew that choosing to be home was what I had to do for that time in my life and children's lives. 

Fast forward to three years ago....we came to a place in our lives where things were shaken a bit more with our finances.  My husband had a business idea and we both decided to follow that business dream.  Well unfortunately, it never became anything but fortunately....I grew up.  I grew up when I was faced with pretty much nothing and had to move in with in-laws.  Boy, was that the hardest thing I think I ever went through.  My struggles were more-so internal, than external.  Here I was, 40 yrs old and living with my in-laws in their back yard, in a small camper trailer!  There I shed tears but continued to dream knowing that God had a plan and I wasn't destined to remain in this state.  We lived with my in-laws for about 1 year.

Here I am today, where I feel true freedom and sense of security and confidence!  This is a confidence that I truly can't understand myself. I think I have learned to be loved and to love without judgment and conditions. I have come to embrace who I am as a woman!  Yes...I have flaws and I don't look like a super model mother by far!!  I embrace life as it comes.  Currently, we are slowly regaining financial stability.   Everyday, I thank God for the roof over my head, the bread on my table, a husband who loves me unconditionally, children who come to me for their problems and the ability to pursue my dreams!  Truly thankful I don't have to face the hardships of a communist regime like my mother did, but I can pursue my dreams!!  I do feel blessed to be able to live in this great country I call America.

I don't take our freedom lightly. 

I also am a believer of God's great Grace and that there is truly a time for everything.  Like the old song "Turn, Turn, Turn"...There is always a time and season for everything!  All I know is that though my trials, and struggles I have learned to be a better person, finding the good in all people!  Knowing that no matter what stage or season in life they are in, I have no right to judge a situation for what it is because I never walked in their shoes.  Life is tough and it can throw you a curve ball.....But what are you going to do when the ball hits you in the face?  Stop playing the game or pick yourself back up? I say....pick yourself back up, dust off that bat and with the strength you have left, try to hit that ball again hoping not to miss.

And that's the key....Hope. Life is a day to day journey and we hope (which is an expectation) with the Faith we have, that life will be better   My personal way is to always take it to God in prayer...asking "God, help me to make the right choices today, walking in wisdom and not confusion.  Loving your people unconditionally like You do and seeing them for where they are today!" 

Live and hope Today!