the hokey pokey

"If we don't change, then we don't grow. If we don't grow, then we aren't living." Gale Sheehy

I'm a survivor. I'm a survivor. I'm a survivor....repeat...I AM A FUCKING SURVIVOR. A warrior who goes to battle knowing she won't come out unscathed. It's okay though-the scars are my stories and they have quite the tale to tell. Do not feel sorry or sad or melancholy about it all. I don't and there is very little that I regret. I know, in the end, some pay it forward manifesto will linger itself my way-close enough to grab.

This is the hard part. Living. Figuring it all out. Not giving up. And still doing it with a smile on my face and optimistic point of view. It will all work out. It will all work out. It will all work....repeat...IT WILL ALL FUCKING WORK OUT. Sometimes though I struggle with all the uncertainty. I give up then all hell will break loose and so....I'm banking on not loosing my shit long enough to get my shit together. The thing is....I've been getting my shit together long enough so now it's time to do something about the life I want to live! As my mother says, "Shit or get off the pot."

That statement has new meaning. I  mean it's simple yet to the point. Shit or get on the pot. Everyday I try to make the best of a strange situation. AT 34, I never pictured my life this way: in transient limbo. Then again, I don't remember how I pictured my life. Deep down though I always knew it would be different. Different isn't a bad thing per say but it isn't exactly crystal clear either. The things I have always wanted have been consistent-those have never changed. The path to get there; however, has been a real prick of a drive sometimes. Frankly, that little asshole owes me an explanation. For instance, that crappy map made out of sticks and slashes isn't exactly what I had in mind when I asked where should I go? Truly, it can't all be happenstance-some of it has to be some kind of cosmic force that just wants to test me and make sure I never get too comfortable. Too comfortable is too easy and God forbid life be easy.

I guess that's what it's all about. You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and pray to God your left foot isn't being gnawed off by some 100th time "lesson" you needed to learn. In the grand scheme of things: I have my health, a solid partner, and determination. I know myself more than I have ever before and I have never had this much direction. In hindsight, I know-many times it was me gnawing my own foot off. The thing is, HOPE never stays silent (I saw that on a tee shirt once). It is loud and in your face. It has demands and expectations and goals that it needs to achieve. Simple or complex, it all stems from the same line of thinking...work hard, stay focused and believe that life's constant tests make you stronger, more appreciative, and less willing to walk away from wise decisions. Hope gives you a reason to get up in the morning and continue on-despite all the bullshit.

So that's what I am doing. It's the reason behind why I am here. Why I packed my whole old life in order to start a new one and it's the reason I decided chasing dreams meant more to me than conforming. It's a risk and sometimes doesn't always pan out the way you wanted it to but it will work out....it will most definitely work out as it should.