the hokey pokey

"If we don't change, then we don't grow. If we don't grow, then we aren't living." Gale Sheehy

I'm a survivor. I'm a survivor. I'm a survivor....repeat...I AM A FUCKING SURVIVOR. A warrior who goes to battle knowing she won't come out unscathed. It's okay though-the scars are my stories and they have quite the tale to tell. Do not feel sorry or sad or melancholy about it all. I don't and there is very little that I regret. I know, in the end, some pay it forward manifesto will linger itself my way-close enough to grab.

This is the hard part. Living. Figuring it all out. Not giving up. And still doing it with a smile on my face and optimistic point of view. It will all work out. It will all work out. It will all work....repeat...IT WILL ALL FUCKING WORK OUT. Sometimes though I struggle with all the uncertainty. I give up then all hell will break loose and so....I'm banking on not loosing my shit long enough to get my shit together. The thing is....I've been getting my shit together long enough so now it's time to do something about the life I want to live! As my mother says, "Shit or get off the pot."

That statement has new meaning. I  mean it's simple yet to the point. Shit or get on the pot. Everyday I try to make the best of a strange situation. AT 34, I never pictured my life this way: in transient limbo. Then again, I don't remember how I pictured my life. Deep down though I always knew it would be different. Different isn't a bad thing per say but it isn't exactly crystal clear either. The things I have always wanted have been consistent-those have never changed. The path to get there; however, has been a real prick of a drive sometimes. Frankly, that little asshole owes me an explanation. For instance, that crappy map made out of sticks and slashes isn't exactly what I had in mind when I asked where should I go? Truly, it can't all be happenstance-some of it has to be some kind of cosmic force that just wants to test me and make sure I never get too comfortable. Too comfortable is too easy and God forbid life be easy.

I guess that's what it's all about. You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and pray to God your left foot isn't being gnawed off by some 100th time "lesson" you needed to learn. In the grand scheme of things: I have my health, a solid partner, and determination. I know myself more than I have ever before and I have never had this much direction. In hindsight, I know-many times it was me gnawing my own foot off. The thing is, HOPE never stays silent (I saw that on a tee shirt once). It is loud and in your face. It has demands and expectations and goals that it needs to achieve. Simple or complex, it all stems from the same line of thinking...work hard, stay focused and believe that life's constant tests make you stronger, more appreciative, and less willing to walk away from wise decisions. Hope gives you a reason to get up in the morning and continue on-despite all the bullshit.

So that's what I am doing. It's the reason behind why I am here. Why I packed my whole old life in order to start a new one and it's the reason I decided chasing dreams meant more to me than conforming. It's a risk and sometimes doesn't always pan out the way you wanted it to but it will work out....it will most definitely work out as it should.

un native

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed to to try just one more time. "
Thomas Edison


At 34, I'm back at slinging tables. Truth be told, I kinda missed this line of work. I like staying active and being active and the thought of staring at a computer, behind a segregated cubicle, makes my stomach turn. Sure, waiting on people isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life but for now it's paying the bills and giving me a little wiggle room in addition too. All in all, I'm making the best of my situation.

This blog is all about thriving and surviving and sometimes that means not doing exactly what you want to do. Yeah, I'm not thrilled about waiting on people but I don't mind it either. I mean, I wish I was rich and didn't have to worry about money but I want to write books and create things for a living but those require more investment then I have right now so until the money tree pops off in the mountain top called my backyard-serving will have to do.

Before this, I worked in a women's clinic and a women's domestic abuse shelter. Just like I took a long break from serving, I saw myself needing to take a long break from this line of work as well. It's serious business. Some days would be back to back clinic and shelter. Shelter and clinic and back again. It is very true: a job can both be very rewarding and mentally draining at the same time. Another honest point, since we are being so honest-I was over my whole Gainesville existence in general. Maybe I was having an early life crisis? I'm not sure. The only thing I was sure of is by the end of my life there I was ready for my life here. Really ready.

Work is something I do not what I am and so going back to temporarily serve isn't that big of a deal to me. Like I said, I missed the hustle and bustle of it all. I have the freedom to do what I want for the most part and I'm excited about that. I have never been so free or felt so free. I mean, I'm really going after the things I want out of life.

          To get where you're going, you gotta start somewhere.

I still have my stresses and worries. But I know, if I keep going, keep trying-I will come out exactly where I need to. On top of my own happy plot in life. Living has never been so liberating. I have never been so free to explore and create and I have never been so rallied on by such great support systems. I have also never been this curious about life. My partner calls it being whimsical-I call it, being thirsty.

I'm adjusting to mountain life, Colorado, and couplehood quite well. In fact, they all fit like a perfect sweater. In Gainesville...the metaphorical sweater....so to speak was either too small, too big, or just not hipster enough. Or it was being worn by someone else who criticized the sweater to begin with. I'm becoming quite native for being un native....

I know a happy life takes time. I know I will marry the man I am with. I know we will have our own treehouse cabin in the mountains. I know that I will do with my life what I have always said since I was a little girl I would do, and I know that I don't know when it will all take place but I'm getting prepared and ready and accountable and that's exactly what I need to be doing.

may fourth means something different...a short intermission

"Chance Is the Only Game I Play With." Lorde

There is a chapter that is getting closed so a new story can be told. It’s the one about the woman who needed a change and all she was asking for was coming true, it just took some diligence, time, patience and faith. She had that down and therefore she would get everything else. The story starts on a clean sheet of paper…her thoughts transform to small reassuring victories. She stayed stagnant in this unsettling dance. She knew there was more to life than the four corners she called home. She knew everyone at one time or another wanted to go away and that nagging escape pulled at her like a hungry child waiting to be fed. She came, she conquered…she did what needed to be done to the point that there was nothing left to do. It was her time to explore new territory instead of the same road she’s seen a million times before.

  

She wasn’t nervous about what the future held or slightly scared about saying goodbye to everything that became comfortable or familiar. It was just that-comfortable and familiar. She was okay with taking risks. Most of the time, they made her learn something valuable and all those risks led to something beautiful. Those disasters created something beautiful. She lived a conventionally unconventional life.    Life and all its lessons came with a calmness about becoming stronger, more responsible, and less likely to fall for the traps that made her question everything about herself.

Of course she went through the ups and downs but without them, there would be no now or then. Sure, there would be things, looking back, she might have changed but there’s something to be said about the butterfly effect. Without this, there would not be that. “That” seemed pretty special.

“That” was what she wanted and while she stood still for a moment, it was just that-a moment. Soon, the wind would lead her in a different direction with a new story to tell. It would be one about a new beginning made to fill pages full of beautiful memories.

Under a rock, she would ask him to marry her. Under the stars, she would start her future.

The Genius That Lies Beneath

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?   Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant  to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Every time I go back to this project, I feel like it was meant to be. In some twist of fate I was meant to connect with another woman and listen to her story. It was time to face another lesson that I could learn from and take with me for years to come. Looking back on my life at soon be 34, I am happily satisfied with the way things have turned out thus far. However, that doesn't mean the adventure is over. Really, it has just begun. Like everyone, I  have faced my fair share of struggles. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today: a strong, resilient, resourceful, loyal, hard working woman. I have lived a colorful life and I don't regret a second of the mismatched, hodgepodge world I have existed in. In fact, I like it here. But, then again...this is my life and I should embrace it. In this realm, I only am here once. Inevitably,  "Life is what you make it."

Every story on this blog is meant to be different but it all rallies around one single idea: women and what we do is incredible. We all have some innate ability to overcome any adversity and still find time to craft up something nice. Test any woman on this and you find yourself losing every time. I look at my own life and what has been handed to me, what I have had to work for, and what I have given up on in exchange for something different. Granted every decision I have made hasn't panned out but for the most part-I have a roof over my head, all my limbs intact, and I'm healthy. That says a lot when you take a second to really look at the world around you. 

I may not have the fancy car but I have one that runs. I may not live in a mansion but I have an artsy house that has been mine for five years now and I may not have the Hollywood job but I have two and I am grateful for that. Hey, last year, I was rocking four and a few years back, I had none. So having two is perfect and it's beautiful that they both center around empowering women. It is true, I have never gone about things in a traditional manner. Traditional people go to college right out of high school. I traveled for a couple of years and then went. Traditional people start settling down somewhere in their twenties and start making families. At 33, I'm still all about seeing the world and have just now finally found that person I want to see the world with. Love, marriage, and the baby carriage should come naturally and before my partner, the only natural relationship I knew of was the one between me and my all organic grocery list. So, it's no wonder it's taken me this long to get used to the idea of being with someone else. Traditional people don't have this problem but they have others and I'm glad I'm not a traditional person. 

Society may not agree with me but then again maybe it doesn't have to. As long as I can be happy with myself; the rest will follow suit. I too, am guilty of judging and becoming defensive....pinning someone to a box for no reason. In some aspect we all do this...humans are cruel, what can I say? Fact: A person would stop to help a wounded animal without thinking about it before ever doing the same for a human. I have both seen and lived this very sentiment. Still, I have faith in humanity and most importantly, myself.

The world is mean and brutal and it will kick your ass if you let it. However, I decided that if life wanted to try to beat the shit out of me the least I could do was fight back. For all intents and purposes, I don't mind being the feisty, spitfire it wants me to be. It's my life and I have the potential to mold it how I see fit.

The lesson I learned from this session with my old high school buddy was to never give up on that nagging sensation to discover a part of yourself that you either a) didn't know about or b) just gave up on. In a sense, she pushed me further to chase my own dreams...and thus has begun the new odyssey.

In life, we face chances, choices, and opportunities. The path we take is uncertain at times-up is down and right is left. But, eventually-we will get to where we need to be. The road is easy, said no one. Ever. But, then again that's what makes life wonderful. The beautiful disaster turns itself into a glorious adventure...and we look back on it never wanting to change a single moment.

We will never know where we are going to end up until we finally get there.

  

Michelle: 

 

            So my high school classmate reached out to me and asked me to write an article for her blog.  She said it should be something that uplifted women.  I pondered on what I could say to other women.  Then I remembered it was what I discovered about myself that I’m most proud of.

            In the last two years my life has transitioned to a new chapter.  I became a writer and an author.  It was an unexpected plot twist in my life but I embraced it.  Though I’m smiling now, this new territory in life did not come without its challenges. 

            More than anything what I’ve learned about myself is that there was so much untapped potential inside of me that I never knew existed.  The only reason I know it now is because I was pushed to places that forced me to find the genius that was just beneath the surface.

            Let’s start here; my education is in accounting and finance.  I know, don’t judge me.  I too sometimes wonder how I went from numbers to words but it all works somehow.  I did not want to self-publish my first novel because I did not know too much about the industry.  I was more than happy to write a check and have it published. 

            The first book came out and it was awesome.  When it was time for my second book to come out the funds did not match the dream.  I was a little irked and so I asked God, “Okay, what do you want me to do now?”  I heard a tiny whisper that said, “Self-publish.”  I was like, nope, not doing it! 

            I did not want to take the time to learn another industry.  When I stopped fighting I realized I didn’t have enough to publish it the way I did the first one but I had just enough if I self-published.  So I began the process. 

            Along the way I realized there were other things needed that I hadn’t thought of.  I needed my book cover designed and I needed a logo for the company I started to publish under.  I knew I could not afford this so I sat down in front of the computer and I prayed. I said, “Lord you gotta help me do this.”  And He did!  It took some time but when all was said and done I designed my own book covers and my logo.  Please understand I had never done anything more on the computer than typing in word and putting numbers in excel.

            A friend of mine once told me that “frustration and desperation breeds innovation.”  Those words always ring true to me.  Because I believed in myself and trusted that everything I needed to do what I was created to do was already inside of me I was able to realize my untapped potential. I get so many compliments and inquiries on my book covers.  As a result I was able to bring in additional income designing book covers, logos, flyers, advertisements and anything else I put my mind to. 

            So I ask you this, what genius lies on the inside of you just beneath the fear, just below the doubt.  We must recognize fear as the enemy’s venom sent to paralyze us from our purpose.  I encourage anyone who reads this to take that first step and follow that dream. 

            Don’t fret about what you don’t have or what you’re going to need or if you can. Of course you can.  If it’s your dream then you were already born with everything you need to make it come to pass. 

            Do not be that person who looks back at the end and says I wish, I should have, I could have, I might have…but I didn’t.  I walk in purpose every day and there is no greater freedom in knowing you walk this earth doing what you were created to do. Find the genius that lies beneath and let the world see just how great you are!