I'm Defying Gravity Just Like Elphaba Said I Would

"Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, “She doesn’t have what it takes. They will say, Women don’t have what it takes.”  
 Clare Boothe Luce

In September of 2013, I was given a lifetime opportunity. I was told I was going to New York to work a Canon art show hosted by Norman Reedus. I love Norman Reedus and truth be told, he has been a driving force behind getting all my creative energy out. Well, he and the person who told me I might have to accept that I won't get everything I want out of life. I guess watching him (Norman Reedus) succeed was enough to just say, "F it! If he started from nothing then so can I."

Here he was doing all these things: making films, acting, making art, publishing a book...he was doing all that and he was happy about it. Yes, I get he's famous but so what? I'm not trying to be famous just happy and comfortable. That means NOT giving up on my dreams or passions. Besides, I take it to heart when Norman says go after what you want. He also said just do it with a thick skin. Up until late 2012, my skin wasn't thick at all and I wasn't prepared to fight for everything I wanted out of life. Thankfully, the fight in me knew better.

The day I got into New York, I felt like a small fish in a giant pond. However, I wasn't scared or nervous. I knew I could do it. I knew I could work this event and do a great job. I had been planning and working events in some shape or form for a while now so I wasn't fearful that I would mess that up....I mean, I was too excited to be nervous or scared. That first night in NYC, I ate dinner by myself and I saw Wicked on Broadway by myself and I didn't care. I settled myself right into this new situation. Right before intermission, the characters Glenda and Elphaba starting singing a song about defying limits, walking your own way, and following your instincts. This song led me to buy a $65 hoodie. I sport that hoodie like it's bling money! I justify this purchase by the tears rolling down my cheeks at this scene. Here was a woman-telling the world basically that she was going after what she wanted and no one was stopping her any longer.

If you like musicals or witches or the Wizard of Oz or you just want to be inspired-see this play or at least listen to this song. I get it...it's a musical but behind all that are words is a warrior and the tale of someone who no longer wants to roll over and play dead.  

In the end, the event was a success...I met Norman Reedus but never said anything to him. We took a picture together and I fell silent. Oh, how I wish I could have just said, "Hey! Thanks...just thanks." Maybe he would have understood but then again it didn't matter anymore because I had just found myself crossing off things I said I would always do one day.

What we did-the group of women and I-was inspiring. We turned a blank room into an art gallery, we took people on a tour of their senses and we inspired future generations of photographers to get out their cameras and snap away....and I fell in love with a part of myself. One that I kinda was half in and half out about-the part that could defy gravity, regardless of how hard or impossible it was to anyone else. 

I guess at the end of the day, we can all be our own worst critics, we all think we need to be somewhere else, doing something else because what we are doing isn't good enough...but the thing is, good enough is all relative. Sure, life is much better when you're financially secure but getting there is what it's all about. Without all the adventures, the trials and the errors, the challenges, and the misdirected paths-you never really appreciate, "What you worked and waited for." 

Your life is filled with stories....it's filled with people that you meet, experiences that you have and choices that you make-they all may not end in a stellar fashion or be the most glorious of experiences but by the time you reach point B, you realize that point A and all its glory, was exactly the kind of beautiful disaster you needed in order to reach your full potential.

Christine:

I was born in South America, Punta Arenas, Chile to be exact, to a beautiful Chilean mother and a mellow Brooklyn, New York native who had just joined the US Navy and was on tour when meeting my mother and quickly marrying.  My mother grew up in a lower-middle class family having both h parents.  My father was also born into a lower-middle class home. He lived with his single Puerto Rican mother who worked very hard as a administrative secretary in NYC for GE.  His German/English father (my grandfather) had passed away when my father was a little boy leaving behind his wife and three boys.

I was born in a time when Chile was under a communist government.  I remember my mother telling me how she had to stand in long lines in the knee high freezing snow to pay for my formula.  I remember when the communist government was overthrown in 1973.  The entire country was under alert and also under war.  I remember my grandparents turning off all the lights in the house and all I could hear was bombing in the far distant while cowering down in the hallway .  In my young 3yr old mind, I couldn't comprehend what was really going on other than a feel of safety.....Safe with my grandparents and mother.

My mother and father have three daughters.  I am the oldest.  Since my father was in the US Navy, he spent most of my early (5) years in the United States.  He would occasionally come visit but I don't remember much of his visits.  When I was about 5, my father decided he wanted his family to be with him.  This was so hard for my mother, but she knew this was going to happen eventually.  We all shed our tears, leaving behind my grandparents, who I adored with all my heart, and my other relatives.  In Chile, families are always together and always gathered around the kitchen table.  I do have sweet and fond memories of my first 5 years. 

I moved to Puerto Rico since my father's mother had remarried a Puerto Rican man and most of her family was there.  My father wanted to introduce his "new" family to his Puerto Rican relatives.

After living in Puerto Rico for about 9 months, my mother had enough and we packed our bags and moved back to Chile.  I remember staying there for a year or so.  I then remember packing our bags again to board a plane that was headed to this New Land-America-where the dreams of swimming pools, movie stars, and richness would await....ha ha!  I think my father had told my mother that she could have whatever she wanted if she would move to America with him.  Our first home was smack dab in the middle of a small city in Iowa.  When we landed, my father was nowhere to be found. 

My mother in her broken English managed to call for a taxi.  This taxi took us to our "home" with a pool.  We ended up in a trailer park with a community pool.  It's funny because my mother had never seen mobile homes, so she was very, very confused as to what type of "structure" this was.  My mother's house in Chile was small, had the standard tin roof, and wood structure (a regular house).  Her house was over 100 years old.  I guess it would be considered a historic home here in the states.  I think my mom was expecting to see a mansion type home that she had seen on TV and magazines to show how the "Americans" truly live.  Yeah...her dream home was not what it was all out to be.  Oh and I know this is sort of off topic but we were amazed to see how many blonde children there were.  It seemed like everyone we met had white-blonde hair.  Also we had never seen an African-American before.  I remember coming up to a little boy in the airport and feeling his spongy hair. I know....totally off topic....but that's where I came from.  Yes...we had blondes in chile though they were few. 

We did end up at our new home and waited, waited, and waited for my father to get home.  He did come home eventually that night after he got off work. Apparently, he had forgotten our plane arrived that day.  Oh boy, was my mom angry!  Anyway, I met some neighborhood kids which I could barely understand since my native tongue was Spanish.

Not to bore you with my whole life story. Just certain parts stick out and well, they helped form my identity. I personally remember always being happy other than when kids from school would tease me.  They called me names and told me to, "Get in my taco and float back to where I came from."  It's funny because I had never eaten a taco until I came to the states!!!  I had no clue about what other Hispanics ate.  It was all new to me.  I knew what Chileans and Puerto Ricans ate but that's it.  Kids were so mean to my sister and I.

As we journey through the years, I lived in a few more states since my dad was in the military.  I lived in Illinois, and Philadelphia, with a few short visits back to my native country, Chile. Being a teenager with her own issues, I came to realize that my "perfect" family wasn't so perfect. I then shut down and pretty much stayed in my room and would dream of being in another family.  We were well off financially, especially after my German great-grandmother left my dad some of her inheritance.  So I had some luxuries but there was always that desire to belong.  Yes...I was loved but I had so many insecurities and lack of self confidence.  I struggled with my weight and had some eating disorders.  I hated who I was. I wanted to be someone other than who I currently was.  I also had dreams of becoming great one day.

The lack of confidence and feeling ugly led me to become somewhat of a promiscuous young woman.  I thought that if I gave "myself" then those young men would love me.  I found that to be untrue after suffering broken heart after broken heart. I met my husband in 1993. I had his baby and then got married to him.  Yeah....I kinda did it a bit backwards. ha ha!  He, however; was different than the other guys I had dated in the past. So I didn't mind the unconventional manner of our love affair. He truly cared and loved me for who I was.  He loved me with my insecurities and other issues.  I had set up many walls guarding my heart because I refused to be broken again, so it took a bit of time to truly let him love me. Ultimately those walls did come down.  I think he was definitely God sent.  My husband and I have been married for 20 years. 

During my college years, I could never figure out what I wanted to "major" in thus, going from major to major to major.  I finally graduated from UF in 1997-at the same time as being pregnant with my 2nd child.  I decided that the best thing for me at the time was to become a stay at home mom.  I personally felt a "calling" to be home and care for my children. During those 16 years, we had 7 more children-homeschooling them all and sacrificing material wants to be able to stay home.  Yes....it has been a sacrifice for sure!!  Our income wasn't anything to shout about, especially when you have 10 mouths to feed!

You better believe it though.....I wanted the nicer clothes, cars, house, furniture, hair salon visits, etc.... but I knew that choosing to be home was what I had to do for that time in my life and children's lives. 

Fast forward to three years ago....we came to a place in our lives where things were shaken a bit more with our finances.  My husband had a business idea and we both decided to follow that business dream.  Well unfortunately, it never became anything but fortunately....I grew up.  I grew up when I was faced with pretty much nothing and had to move in with in-laws.  Boy, was that the hardest thing I think I ever went through.  My struggles were more-so internal, than external.  Here I was, 40 yrs old and living with my in-laws in their back yard, in a small camper trailer!  There I shed tears but continued to dream knowing that God had a plan and I wasn't destined to remain in this state.  We lived with my in-laws for about 1 year.

Here I am today, where I feel true freedom and sense of security and confidence!  This is a confidence that I truly can't understand myself. I think I have learned to be loved and to love without judgment and conditions. I have come to embrace who I am as a woman!  Yes...I have flaws and I don't look like a super model mother by far!!  I embrace life as it comes.  Currently, we are slowly regaining financial stability.   Everyday, I thank God for the roof over my head, the bread on my table, a husband who loves me unconditionally, children who come to me for their problems and the ability to pursue my dreams!  Truly thankful I don't have to face the hardships of a communist regime like my mother did, but I can pursue my dreams!!  I do feel blessed to be able to live in this great country I call America.

I don't take our freedom lightly. 

I also am a believer of God's great Grace and that there is truly a time for everything.  Like the old song "Turn, Turn, Turn"...There is always a time and season for everything!  All I know is that though my trials, and struggles I have learned to be a better person, finding the good in all people!  Knowing that no matter what stage or season in life they are in, I have no right to judge a situation for what it is because I never walked in their shoes.  Life is tough and it can throw you a curve ball.....But what are you going to do when the ball hits you in the face?  Stop playing the game or pick yourself back up? I say....pick yourself back up, dust off that bat and with the strength you have left, try to hit that ball again hoping not to miss.

And that's the key....Hope. Life is a day to day journey and we hope (which is an expectation) with the Faith we have, that life will be better   My personal way is to always take it to God in prayer...asking "God, help me to make the right choices today, walking in wisdom and not confusion.  Loving your people unconditionally like You do and seeing them for where they are today!" 

Live and hope Today!

With Age Comes Wisdom and Lessons We All Learn

“Life isn't a lazy cruise on some endless, calm, and temperate sea. Life is a raging ocean with swells and tidal waves that wreck and sink your boat. Life is a series of storms―overcast skies, fierce winds, and pelting rain. You were meant to be immersed in it all―first to float, then swim, and eventually to walk on water.”
― Richelle E. Goodrich, Smile Anyway

In November, I reclaimed my blog. I have been a blog writer for many years but in November something changed. My blog was no longer about revealing my own secrets but it was about sharing what made womanhood so darn amazing. My desire to become a published writer became more prevalent and my need to share these stories began its transformation.It was no longer just about me but the people who had a hand at making me the woman I am at the age of 33. Being a woman meant so many things: mother, sister, aunt, niece, daughter, granddaughter, friend and partner. But those were just titles and being a woman meant something so much greater, to me anyways. It meant surviving. It meant fighting, winning and staying strong-even if that led to losing, being weak or doubting the fight in the first place. It was all part of the process and part of the journey. It was all part of my path and I'm happy to share that path with you.

 -I realized all women have this innate ability to overcome just about anything put before us. This is one reason I keep my head held high and why I won’t stop reaching for the stars. Because as a woman, I cannot be stopped. I'm not saying men can't be stopped but truth be told men have always been encouraged to go and keep going while women throughout centuries have been demanded to stop, quit, do not pass go or return to the beginning. I'm 33 and  to me growing old doesn’t mean you’re just getting old, it means you have experience under your belt. Finally, things make a little more sense and your not so bothered by trying to keep up. You are doing just fine and things will happen as they should. Honestly, you couldn't pay me to go back to my 20's. Well, maybe for a bit but that would be only to recall my wonderful traveling adventures and nothing more. I wouldn't go back to living in my lonely one bedroom apartment or figuring out what it is that I exactly wanted out of life. I wouldn't go back to waiting tables, or the bad break ups or the bad decisions. I wouldn't go back to most of it because if I did then somehow the path that I'm on would be different. It would have changed its course and its outcome and although I could say I might have done some things differently or with better judgement, overall, I am happy now, to be applying all the things I learned to how I want to live.

That's why I feel it's important that my first two contributors represent me and women everywhere. They're mother's, sister's, friend's, travelers, soldiers, warriors, lover's, and wise souls. It's true. Matriarchs have been through it all and you should always listen to your mother because she does know what the hell she is talking about...now I would like to introduce my Godmother and Mother. 

Helen (my mother) and Eileen (my Godmother) have a thing or two to say about life, its journey and looking back at age sixty.

Helen:

Gees, if I could answer this one, I would be a very rich woman.  Okay, let me give this a shot: Always expect (AND PLAN FOR) the unexpected.  Live one day at a time and to the fullest and at the end of a day, make sure you can look yourself in the mirror and say, "I did my best and am very proud of this chapter in my life."    

My passion is learning - never stop learning - whether it be through the written or spoken word, through research or through travel.  Every chapter in your life brings with it more to learn.  It keeps life fresh and it keeps you alive and wanting more. Embrace changes.  Life is full of them whether you are ready or not. Never settle.  My biggest regrets: not learning a second language fluently in my formative years, my wrong choices in partners, my naive trust in MANkind and my "fairy tale mentality" upbringing, that is, that a woman meets prince charming, marries him, he takes care of her and they live happily ever after.  Not happening . . . EVER!  My greatest achievements:  My daughters and that of motherhood.  And, the opportunity to travel personally to so many places.  It shaped me in my later years and has made me the woman I have become.  If my door closes tomorrow, I have been fulfilled by these two achievements.Live the life you have been given ---

Eileen:

At 63 I have lived an up and down life – with the early death of a parent, disapproval of a surviving parent, end of a marriage after 15 years, 3 bouts with cancer, a crushed heart, a broken heart, nasty employers, deceitful co-workers and a variety of other charming situations. And more.

I’ve also experienced an adventure of a marriage, good friends that have come and gone, great over-powering love, enduring friendships, changing professional opportunities, adventures with a big old horse, diving the oceans of the world, the freedom of a motorcycle, great love and always new experiences. And more.

It isn’t that you survive life to any age, it is that you live it. You learn along the way what works for you. Be open to change, because it is inevitable. Embrace new situations, people and opportunities – with some caution based on the past, but with an open heart. There is no one to blame. You make your own happiness.

There are sayings that have lasted time – with reason.

            Life is tough.

            You will reap what you sew.

Forgive and forget (you can’t live in the past, it will keep you down. You can only learn from it and let it go.)

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Live and learn.

            Speak no evil. Hear no evil. See no evil. -------------and watch your back!

            Grow up! You are responsible for your own life.

            Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

The longer you live the more you know about yourself. A variety of experience helps you to plan the direction you wish to take. And realize the plan will change. No one can live the life you have and no one really understands you the way you do. Everyone will experience hardship, loss of loved ones and love. If you allow yourself to learn from your disappointments you will experience them less.

And plan. I’ve watched others sink, either financially or emotionally, and never surface. Understand that you may live for a long time and that without financial means it can be a desperate situation. Think, learn, save, and invest. If you plan to be on your own then you can live your version of a comfortable life. If it happens that you share your life with someone then you can live an even more comfortable life.

Know that this life is over when you no longer live on earth, and until then anything is possible. Your next life depends on your current one. Also, your life has an effect on others, marks them, leads them and helps them find their own. Don’t disappoint yourself and others will be positively affected. You might even be asked to write a life lesson!

As Captain Kirk said: I don’t want to lose/change my past – it has made me the person I am now.