I think life is one endless challenge testing my survival. Pushing me to the brink and begging the question, "Will you make it through this?" The answer: I have no choice but to make it through this! I'm a fighter and that's what fighters do. We, no matter how hard it gets, never give up. Even despite our better judgment sometimes. What I'm trying to say is my past will never interfere with my present nor future life, it's just reference point for when days were chaotic and I was lost. Perfectly put: May 4th, 2011 was and will forever be the beginning intro for my self-made manifesto. I mention this date a lot in my writing because for me, it was my personal day of reckoning. It was the day that life thereafter truly changed for me forever. If life isn't throwing us one curve ball, it's throwing us another and in that time of my life, I learned the great art of being ambidextrous.
I'm not saying that I am not vulnerable nor susceptible or even prone to break down every now and again. Hell, I'm as emotional as they come but the difference in me then and me now; my "break downs" include healthy choices. My anger and sadness have subsided and neither one of them consume my every move. I finally understand that we all have things in life that hurt and we all have ways of dealing with that hurt. We also all make choices-whether by our own hands or that of another or a blend of both....those choices all lead us to tell different stories. See, what I am getting at? On the opposite side of that coin neither am I screaming, "I am WOMAN, hear me roar." Although, I would really like to sometimes, I find it unproductive. If I have to scream, I am choosing to allow someone else to take my energy and as the human experience goes...there is always someone willing to do so. I'm not showing my scars to everyone but more importantly nor am I ignoring them. It's a balance. Each flaw, each cicatrix is relic from my past. It's a map of where I've been, what I've been through, and where I am now. A GPS for the soul, if you will.
We all, in one way or another, have lived hard yet triumphed lives and in my opinion; "From experience" is a euphemism for "mistake." You live and you learn. Every time I appropriate a challenge, I conquer it. Which leads to me to the bigger picture: becoming stronger and more cemented in my personal convictions are a distinct and deep rooted attribute of my moral compass. And to think, that once upon a time, I was a weak shell of a person. I had no direction or at least no gusto to get a direction. I was flailing and falling and it felt easier to sink than to try to learn how to float. However, as I said before; I overthrew that nasty jerk. It was me or her and I wasn't-as it turned out-ready to go.
Those three years after that one night was a long extended sabbatical of shedding skin. Layer after layer, my head slowly rose from the dark cave it was festering in and with it came an evaluation of self. It wasn't all pretty but it wasn't all that terrible either. Friendships, relationships, personal beliefs all transformed into new light. I saw things like I had never seen before and suddenly I became, metaphorically speaking, one of those people who could hear for the first time after years of silence. The sounds were terrifying and intimidating and brutal but they were also inspiring and beautiful and worth listening too.
I had my breaking moment and awoke from it with a whole new set of priorities. Things that once mattered didn't as much. Battles and war wounds, they weren't worth it anymore. Settling and surrendering to compromise was out of the question and my value became my most important tool in my survival. Understanding that the dark side needed me more than I needed it, made the split less complicated on every level. I was free and I still am. Life's burdens are meant to be spiteful and crude. It wouldn't be called a burden otherwise. Going through it, sucks! But, coming out of it is one courageous feet and we should all be proud that we did. Our past makes us who we are. It solidifies our dreams and hopes and it makes us come up versus falling down. It humbles us and breaks us but most importantly, it creates us. I told my very last story about that night last night and before going to bed I realized that I needed that night not to define me but to help me get a clearer perspective on life and all its beautiful disasters.
And now, it's time to let go of that night.
It served its purpose and I learned more than I ever could have asked for from that evening and the journey that came after. It no longer needs to be the cross I bare-just a place I can go visit whenever I need a reminder of how far I've come.
