the hokey pokey

"If we don't change, then we don't grow. If we don't grow, then we aren't living." Gale Sheehy

I'm a survivor. I'm a survivor. I'm a survivor....repeat...I AM A FUCKING SURVIVOR. A warrior who goes to battle knowing she won't come out unscathed. It's okay though-the scars are my stories and they have quite the tale to tell. Do not feel sorry or sad or melancholy about it all. I don't and there is very little that I regret. I know, in the end, some pay it forward manifesto will linger itself my way-close enough to grab.

This is the hard part. Living. Figuring it all out. Not giving up. And still doing it with a smile on my face and optimistic point of view. It will all work out. It will all work out. It will all work....repeat...IT WILL ALL FUCKING WORK OUT. Sometimes though I struggle with all the uncertainty. I give up then all hell will break loose and so....I'm banking on not loosing my shit long enough to get my shit together. The thing is....I've been getting my shit together long enough so now it's time to do something about the life I want to live! As my mother says, "Shit or get off the pot."

That statement has new meaning. I  mean it's simple yet to the point. Shit or get on the pot. Everyday I try to make the best of a strange situation. AT 34, I never pictured my life this way: in transient limbo. Then again, I don't remember how I pictured my life. Deep down though I always knew it would be different. Different isn't a bad thing per say but it isn't exactly crystal clear either. The things I have always wanted have been consistent-those have never changed. The path to get there; however, has been a real prick of a drive sometimes. Frankly, that little asshole owes me an explanation. For instance, that crappy map made out of sticks and slashes isn't exactly what I had in mind when I asked where should I go? Truly, it can't all be happenstance-some of it has to be some kind of cosmic force that just wants to test me and make sure I never get too comfortable. Too comfortable is too easy and God forbid life be easy.

I guess that's what it's all about. You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and pray to God your left foot isn't being gnawed off by some 100th time "lesson" you needed to learn. In the grand scheme of things: I have my health, a solid partner, and determination. I know myself more than I have ever before and I have never had this much direction. In hindsight, I know-many times it was me gnawing my own foot off. The thing is, HOPE never stays silent (I saw that on a tee shirt once). It is loud and in your face. It has demands and expectations and goals that it needs to achieve. Simple or complex, it all stems from the same line of thinking...work hard, stay focused and believe that life's constant tests make you stronger, more appreciative, and less willing to walk away from wise decisions. Hope gives you a reason to get up in the morning and continue on-despite all the bullshit.

So that's what I am doing. It's the reason behind why I am here. Why I packed my whole old life in order to start a new one and it's the reason I decided chasing dreams meant more to me than conforming. It's a risk and sometimes doesn't always pan out the way you wanted it to but it will work out....it will most definitely work out as it should.

un native

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed to to try just one more time. "
Thomas Edison


At 34, I'm back at slinging tables. Truth be told, I kinda missed this line of work. I like staying active and being active and the thought of staring at a computer, behind a segregated cubicle, makes my stomach turn. Sure, waiting on people isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life but for now it's paying the bills and giving me a little wiggle room in addition too. All in all, I'm making the best of my situation.

This blog is all about thriving and surviving and sometimes that means not doing exactly what you want to do. Yeah, I'm not thrilled about waiting on people but I don't mind it either. I mean, I wish I was rich and didn't have to worry about money but I want to write books and create things for a living but those require more investment then I have right now so until the money tree pops off in the mountain top called my backyard-serving will have to do.

Before this, I worked in a women's clinic and a women's domestic abuse shelter. Just like I took a long break from serving, I saw myself needing to take a long break from this line of work as well. It's serious business. Some days would be back to back clinic and shelter. Shelter and clinic and back again. It is very true: a job can both be very rewarding and mentally draining at the same time. Another honest point, since we are being so honest-I was over my whole Gainesville existence in general. Maybe I was having an early life crisis? I'm not sure. The only thing I was sure of is by the end of my life there I was ready for my life here. Really ready.

Work is something I do not what I am and so going back to temporarily serve isn't that big of a deal to me. Like I said, I missed the hustle and bustle of it all. I have the freedom to do what I want for the most part and I'm excited about that. I have never been so free or felt so free. I mean, I'm really going after the things I want out of life.

          To get where you're going, you gotta start somewhere.

I still have my stresses and worries. But I know, if I keep going, keep trying-I will come out exactly where I need to. On top of my own happy plot in life. Living has never been so liberating. I have never been so free to explore and create and I have never been so rallied on by such great support systems. I have also never been this curious about life. My partner calls it being whimsical-I call it, being thirsty.

I'm adjusting to mountain life, Colorado, and couplehood quite well. In fact, they all fit like a perfect sweater. In Gainesville...the metaphorical sweater....so to speak was either too small, too big, or just not hipster enough. Or it was being worn by someone else who criticized the sweater to begin with. I'm becoming quite native for being un native....

I know a happy life takes time. I know I will marry the man I am with. I know we will have our own treehouse cabin in the mountains. I know that I will do with my life what I have always said since I was a little girl I would do, and I know that I don't know when it will all take place but I'm getting prepared and ready and accountable and that's exactly what I need to be doing.