Wild Women Disorder

"I hear music that comes out of need, out of grief, sorrow, suffering and out of overcoming these things, as well. That journey to freedom still goes on today. It's an incremental change, the culmination of many events in your own life and the lives of your children and grandchildren."

Kathleen Battle

It's been almost year since I left my sleepy north Florida town for the mountains of Colorado and every day I wake up never regretting that decision. I am exactly where I need to be. For a while, my life was this adventurous-sometimes gutting-exploration of self. It was up. It was down. Hell, it was also sideways. Back then, most days consisted of angry thoughts and a bad attitude but that was the most beautiful brutal part. Then something in me changed. I turned 33 and begun to stop feeling feeling shitty and I began to start living. I cleansed my soul, my heart, and my protective space around me. This wasn't an easy feet. In the process of lifting the veil, my head simultaneously started to raise, giving me the ability to finally see my surroundings.

This experience came with heartbreak and letting go. I shed feelings, friends, ideas, lovers...I shed all things negative, starting with energy and pretty much any layer that needed to go. It was a new journey and a new path and since everything prior to that hadn't worked out for me...it didn't seem like a bad idea to go along. The rabbit luring me out of the rabbit hole knew that with time, I would make it to the tea party. I did everything my soul needed me to do. Fed it-Check! Loved it-Check! Listened to it-Check! Nurtured it-Check! Check! Check!

They say once you come out of something really horrible, you begin to appreciate things in a whole new light. That was exactly how it worked for me. The things I compromised on, I could no longer suffice. The things I accepted in other people, I could no longer swallow. The things I never believed for myself, I finally did. Some may call it maturity...I just call it experience but whatever you call it, it sure became my catalyst. Here's the thing, once you see the light, you never again want to waste time fumbling for a candle. At 33, I finally started listening to my intuition and boy did my guts have so much to say. Do this. Follow that. Be here, now!
My guts were exploding with advice and one by one, I took it. Like many woman, my guts had been silenced. I, like others, had hushed them in order to save face. The funny thing is though, the only face I wasn't saving was the most important-my own.

I don't know at what point we all stop listening. Is it childhood? Is it in college? Is it when we, women, experience our first taste of adulthood? I'm not sure but what I am sure about is how much silencing my intuition hindered my growth instead of helping it. Women are constantly in a state of motion. With that, we are in a constant state of evolution of compartmentalization. Yes, I know men get marginalized and I'm sorry about that. I truly am. However, this is a female run blog that touches on female issues-our sacred space. Believe me, men have more than enough sacred space in the world that my blog can be spared.

Leaving my quiet, little progressive town taught me a few things. 1) I needed to leave. 2) That tiny bubble of free thinking and progressive morals only possessed there in that city-the rest of the world, not so much. 3) I had to move out of that bubble in order to recognize this. Now, I'm the raging feminist of the group instead of being just one of the many belonging to that tribe. It's okay, really. I don't mind. However, I do get exhausted with the soap box routine. Round these parts: a strong woman (mind, body and soul) equates to a feminist. Fine with me, I'll wear that badge with honor. Just one thing, I need my tribe with me.

Moving means everything changes. Nothing, no matter how hard you try will stay the same. Not that this is a bad thing because I am a firm believer that with growth and experience comes education and survival. See the above few paragraphs. In the midst of needing growth, experience, education, and survival, I met another woman who was part of the same tribe I was. She, like me, was a strong, smart, and talented creature. We swapped old war stories of heartbreak and confusion...then out of nowhere, I looked down to see a tattoo on her legged that said, "WWD." Hmmmm.....what could those letters mean? It was too short for a Jesus acronym and she didn't seem like the type of person who was into wrestling or tattooing the latest hashtag so I was curious. What I found out was they stood for Wild Woman Disorder and according to her, every woman was entitled to this tattoo. All women from all walks of life deserved this tattoo because like it, we all had a wild woman waiting to get out.  

And, just like that I became a Wild Woman. I didn't get a tattoo on my skin to prove it instead it was tattooed into my brain. I was a Wild Woman. I didn't need a partner to fill me up, I didn't need a job to create me. I didn't need a family to complete me. I just needed me and of course my tribe. Before this, I never really knew what being a Wild Woman meant, I assumed it was its equivalence to "one of those dirty women you only read about." I never knew it meant so much more and something so entirely different until I became one myself. I was strong, had been through hell and back, found my own voice and my own skin. I was a woman-feminine, spiritual, intuitive, untamed, smart, and any other descriptive adjective you want to throw in there. I was all of it and I didn't see myself changing anytime soon.

We all belong to the same group of kindred tribeswomen of the feminine. However we got here or however long it took us to get here, doesn't matter. We are here now and that's what's important. No one is excluded at anytime and you can come and go as you please. It's a unique sisterhood that I feel blessed to have discovered. I am still discovering and Goddess willing, I won't stop discovering until my body leaves this Earthly plane for new existence. For now though, my tribe...my wild womanliness...my soul...is all part of the wheel that makes me run. I'm stronger than I ever could have imagined and taking that veil off to see, surprised many but mostly shocked the hell out of me.  

I CUNT Hear You.

“Any woman who chooses to behave like a full human being should be warned that the armies of the status quo will treat her as something of a dirty joke . . . She will need her sisterhood.”
― Gloria Steinem

I've never been one to just idly stand by while horrible things unravel around me. I usually speak up or try to solve the situation. That's me and it will never change. A few days ago, I witnessed, what I felt were wrongdoings via a friend's Facebook page. I thought, maybe once again, I could talk some sense into these ladies. Truth be told, I thought more highly of my friend, so, her actions, at best were completely shocking. She, as a grown woman, used Facebook as her platform to attack and bully another adult woman. We are all now in our mid-30's. 

Prior to this attack, I just so happened to have had a conversation with my partner concerning women and how vicious they can be to one another. He and I compared the differences of male interactions versus female interactions and I particularly pointed out these two women and how they were with each other as well as a lot of other women in their social circles. My partner and I came to the conclusion that when men fight, they fight and that's it. If it even gets to that point. Nothing more. Nothing less. They get angry and they get over it. They don't drag it out, they don't use social media as their guise for bravery, and they don't act catty. They face what's bothering them and move on.

Needles to say, when I pointed out the error of my friend's ways, she didn't take it well. So much so that her response to me went like this: words, words, words, JUDGY CUNT, then more words. I was taken aback because, up until then, our friendship involved great communication skills. Even when we disagreed, which we did about many things, we still respected each other. We still heard the others side and, most importantly, we never resorted to name calling or insulting one another to get our point across. Until now. Did I think I was over stepping my boundary by speaking up? The thought had crossed my mind but I assumed, since she was using a public forum to express herself; I could use the same forum to respond. 

In retrospect, it definitely was not a safe assumption on my part. After she reacted the way she did, I realized that the best thing for me to do was to eliminate myself from that conversation and her life. At 34, I'm too old to hang onto anyone who can't respect me or other people.

And, just like that, with the click of a button, our friendship and interactions were no more. Click. Move on. Done.

Which brings me to this, when did this type of behavior become acceptable? At what point in our lives did we decide this is how we, from now on, are going to act and treat people. At what time did we all decide that social media would become our backbone? Now, it's not the first time I have been called a cunt and I'm almost certain it won't be the last. This word seems to be everyone's go-to catch phrase to really drive whatever point there is to be made, home. However, I can't recall the last time a grown woman has called me that. I mean, I've been called a bitch, a witch, a feminist, not feminist enough, a whore, a slut, and so on and so forth so I'm used to the ignorance of name calling but that still doesn't mean it doesn't effect me. I'm not trying to give the word power but in this context-it has all the power. 

I write a blog about women for women. It's a collection of stories gathered from women of all different ages and experiences. It's a community that prides itself on creating a space where women thrive and survive. Some of the stories are of loss and struggle while others are about strength and gain. Regardless as to what the story is about, the overall goal is to make women feel empowered, validated, and important. So it pains me when outside those blog walls is a world that is anything but empowering for women.

Of course this "new" display of "I am woman, hear me roar!" has caused me to back up and ask, "When did we become the volatile group of human beings - women - we have become?  Why do we seem to enjoy bashing each other as women, and, even worse, flourish in another's pain? I have to ask myself, as well, at this age, what's truly important and what would I do differently? Surely, my energy is better spent elsewhere. As my nephew would say, "So, Gina, what did you take away from this experience." The answer: take what I learned and use it in the future to help me to be ONLY THE WOMAN I will be proud of in the end. There's a lesson here. For all of us.